Ruddy good text I must say! Solid down-to-earth advise, no preaching, no "didactisms" (if that term works in English?), no finger of scorn or the scourge of nihilistic relativism. Jolly encouraging I say!
And I say that as a man married to the same woman since 1994.
"I want to clarify that you are not “entitled” to have high expectations of women if you are a mess of a man."
Absolutely true - the attitude that one is somehow owed love, relationship, or sex is corrosive to the spirit and the worst kind of self-replicating negative cope-spiral. I'd drop the scare-quotes around entitled, but that's me being nitpicky (and I'm not me if I can't let my inner nitpicker out once in a while).
If I was to ride the coat-tails of your text, it'd be by adding this:
"Expect conflicts. View these not as flaws in the relationship, but as something that you work to solve mutually. Be on the lookout for the difference between conflict over practical matters, and conflict stemming from unhealth, unhappiness and other emotional sources. Being angry at each other and having a row over who displaced the tiger-saw or who forgot to lock up the chickens for the night is normal and natural, as long as you both see the conflict as a mutual thing to solve amicably."
Grand-Dad and Grand-Ma were married for over sixty years. I well remember then arguing or fighting (verbally) over trifling matters. Eventually, Grand-Dad would go out in the garage or woodshed and work it off, and Grand-Ma would do the same in the kitchen, and then they'd solve the problem once emotions had quieted a bit.
I think perhaps the generations born from ca 1970-1975ish and onwards have been indictrinated into thinking conflict means the relationship is bad or flawed or wrong, and instead of thinking in a manner constructive to the source of the conflict, they react in a manner emotional instead, which solves nothing.
Oh, and the bit about hobbies and job/career-stuff: absolutely-tootely true. I used to paint WH40k minis - you can imagine the total lack of interest from the wife in the difference between a Rainbow Warrior-Space Marine and a Blood Drinker-Space Marine. She sews, knits, makes clothing and costumes and whatnot for fun - my eyes glaze over when she starts describing the umpty-zillion ways to make a skirt.
Good Article Woes! I will fill you on about my personal experience with relationships as a troubled 29 year old who is currently between a boulder and a hard place right now sadly. Will explain further along.
When I was in my teens and at secondary school I was always - due to my infantile/autistic nature - to be ignored by girls of my own age for obvious social reasons. I was never the popular or impressionable teen in my school, I was very much an unpopular loner that never really fitted into any type of social crowd (not even the geeks/boffins would tolerate me) which gave me a huge social development delay unlike other people my age. I only managed to develop my charisma and character by my early to mid 20s. Which was the same time I started dating. Thanks to the invention of online dating apps I had various many dates that I simply cannot remember all of them in exact order. But I do remember the three girls of my life that I did form serious relationships with but due my own flaws and selfishness never actually flourished. My ex girlfriend, aka the last relationship I had , only lasted two months. But that was the most memorable and loving relationship I’d ever had. I met her on tinder around late November 2024. We both matched and desired the same thing. We both wanted marriage and to start a family as soon as possible. She was basically the perfect alt right girl that many guys here would fantasise and write off as mythical creature that would be too good to be true. I am not going to lie here, but she was exactly definition of marriage material. She was the perfect height, fitness, face and personal I could ever wish for in a loving woman. And most important thing was she was loyal from start and end. She was also a goth but not your typical goth with a shaky miserable mood, but actually completely high energy spirited and positive. She did have her flaws she was very needy but I mostly admired her fanatical energy for me. She shared same ideological viewpoint on life as I did. She would clean my house whilst I was away for work, she even cooked lovely meals that I never took the granted. She even walked 3 miles from nearest Sainsbury’s for a food shop. I was 28 and was 25 at the time. She did have a dark past. Her father died when she was infant and had a fracturing relationship with her mother. She incorporated the Rapunzel Mother/ daughter relationship archetype. She desired a desperate escape from the shithole area that her and her mother were stuck in (a highly south Asian invaded area of Handsworth, Birmingham). On the first night we met the pheromones we possed were two strong and we both conceived on the very night. Weeks later a panicle sense came over me where I realised I had been too fast with her. And even though she was heartbroken over this, I managed to convince her to take a contraception pill two weeks after impregnation. She was very mature in agreement with me on this despite our desperate desire for lust on the first night we met. Christmas came and went as well as the new year. But everything changed on the 4th January which would change everything in my life forever till this day and our relationship for the worse.
To give context on what I mean by this, I need to inform you Woes that on the last 2025 Millenyule, I sent you a Christmas card informing you that since the 16th of September 2025. I was arrested and then placed on a Pre-charge bail for investigation of inciting the Racial Hatred Act over bloody X posts. I am that Mr Anglo guy that wrote you that card that I could be likely charged and sentenced to 2-3 years in Prison by end of this year in 2026.
Going back now on 4th January 2025. My life would turn for worse on a Saturday Morning. On the Friday night prior as I was driving my car to my dad’s place for Fish and chips. I got into a Mad Max style car rampage with two balaclava thugs who driving dirt bikes illegally on the pathway and causing wreck less mayhem in my local road where I grew up in. What I should have done in that time was ignore them and not got myself involved and continued to my dad’s place. But I wanted to be a heroe and confront them which ended up them battering and disabling my car to complete vandalism. I was looking to not be killed by them (as one them threw half a brick at me that I narrowly dodged). Witnesses of the street all sided with me, but when the plod arrived they were of course useless and actually made the situation worse. I then had to drive a battered broken car back home where I shocked my girlfriend. In the end because I drove an old Peugeot P107 hatchback made in 2006, the insurance money I received was not enough to repair and recover my smashed in car which I had to later scrap it. I have been without a car ever since. But this was only beginning of my problems. On the following Saturday morning. I was awoken with a phone call that would change my life for the worse. It was my younger sister on the line who was in tears and in utter rage when she informed me that she and my father had received a letter from the BBC Welsh Branch that I was going appear in a Undercover Far Right expose documentary titled ‘Inside the Ultra Far right’ that would be released only on BBC One Wales. This documentary would feature a spy who had infiltrated his way in the Welsh branch of Patriotic Alternative, to which I was a member of who attended two PA events. This spy had a secret camera who was deliberately goading certain members who he knew were vulnerable in saying things they would later regret which included myself in saying very fed posty statements despite the fact that I should have abided PA Code of Conduct rules that could prevented the trap I had unknowingly walked into. The moment after that phone call ruined me beyond believe which would drive my loving relationship with my girlfriend onto the scrap heap. Fear and paranoia had took over me. Everything including my love for her became the last priority. I was having sleepless nights as believed in that time in the start of 2025 that I was going have door kicked in by the police or be media ambushed. My relationship with my family had been ruined and destroyed by my betrayal to them having No idea of my ideology and political activism. Everything was go to shit for me week by week. Two weeks later I had lost my Civil service job, which was the best paid job I had. They were eventually informed by the BBC and their government connections of myself being featured in the documentary. I was fired under ‘bullying grounds’ despite that being used as legal excuse ploy to get rid of me. Months later I would try hiring union rep in trying to reclaim my job back which ended up as expected getting rejected. My girlfriend in January was the only person in my live who defended me over everyone in my life. Then when February came, I made the biggest regret of my life. I would then betray her over everything she had sacrificed to be with me. My reason? I hear you so me. It was simply because I did not want her involved with me in the firing line, especially where I knew this was all heading. Despite her fanatical devotion to me, I finally came to confront her on the breaking up with her over this. She was younger me and had much legally cleaner prospects of life than me, and I simply did want her getting legally in trouble for sake of me. I did this out love and respect for her. The break up was dramatic, hurtful and very bitter. Her last words to me as I forced her to take an Uber back to her Mums place. Was ‘I fucking hate you’. Later she blocked all forms of contact imaginable and I never saw her since. Just a week ago now I have checked her instagram and she has found another man in her life to give her meaning. I am happy for her despite missing her and wondering what would happened if I hadn’t had broken up with her and would have the relationship that started out super fast and rushed, would lasted or not.
Overall 8 months after I had broken up with her the very fear I had which I knew would have happened despite everyone assuring me that it would never happen, finally did happen. Which now leads me to conclude writing this very long comment for all of you to read. Woes, if you have somehow managed to read this entire comment all the way through? I am more than happy to respond to any concerns or questions if you feel compelled to ask how I am. But anyways that is my personal reflection on the relationships I have and what lessons I need to draw towards the future. No matter how dark it gets. I am matured and experienced now on what I need to achieve and fix in my 30s from the mistakes of my 20s.
Thank you! Hopefully (but I am being pessimistic here) that it may result in a suspended sentence. I’ll have to endure prison time if that is the case and write a book about it.
LOL, Woes – it will be a laugh to keep this and look back on it after you have been married for 25 years – see how well it stood the test of time. Especially the part about lust. How long do you think that lasts? What about when her tits are sagging to the knees, and probably the belly too? Not to mention YOUR tits and belly?
That was an interesting part of the essay. I doubt that phase lasts very long for most couples, and I don't think it's quite as important as all that. Good luck to those who are luckier in that department. But once children come along and the privacy goes, things certainly change. Most of us, when children ourselves, upon discovering the origin of new life, will have had that conversation where you calculate the number of times the parents copulated by how many children they have! Perhaps the general absence of sex in most family homes plays in to this seemingly naive view?!
Good article and sound advice overall. Something which I think has been lost in our modern age is that marriage is not just a union of two people, but a blending of two families. Before the current atomisation, people didn't disappear to the four corners of the nation for the sake of work or whatever, so in addition to spending a lot of time around each other, spouses spent a lot of time around each other's families. I think this will become more and more relevant as material circumstances worsen across the West, and we are forced to rely on our families more.
This can cause friction, as with the stereotypical nagging in-laws, but it can also help or even overcome some of the red flags you highlighted. For example, my wife and I are both introverted homebodies, and we reinforce each other's antisocial tendencies. Her extended family are very closely knit and live nearby, however, and they have frequent social gatherings which they do not let us wriggle out of.
Is it annoying? Sometimes. But it's also what's best for both of us, and it's not something we would get solely from each other.
Not your typical Millennial Woes article, but a good one. There’s nothing I can really disagree with and I feel the sting from having not known these when I was younger and having to learn them the hard way.
What are people's thoughts on tattoos? I'm old-fashioned enough to consider them a red flag, but it seems they're so common nowadays, you have to either accept them or drastically reduce your pool of potential partners.
(Take this with salt though, I was out of the dating-pool in '93.)
If you can read the code, so to speak, it's not a problem. If you can't you're SOL I'm afraid.
Sadly, learning the code means living the life in the repsective sub-cultures and learning by doing - there's no longer any quick-and-easy "If she's got a cobweb tatted on her elbow she's such-and-such" kind of rules.
The quality of the tat is usually a very general indicator: expensive high-quality and tasteful in pacing and make-up means the lady sporting it likely is of a more stable nature.
Home-made needle from an old electric razor, smudged and poorly placed with no artistic/aesthetic merit means that it's likely the wearer matches the tat.
Heck, people now will tat their faces and necks and hands, and will use prison-tats as if those are some chique decoration. Talk about buying trouble!
Tribal tattoos that signafie your ethnic tribe, should be the only types of tattoos that should ever be tolerated. I have a Celtic Triskeli tattoo on my left pec to represent my Celtic Ancestry. Which is the only tattoo I intend to have in my entire lifetime.
'At the practical level, a relationship is the story of two people confronting together a thousand little problems (and maybe ten big problems). ' - such a great way to put it!
Will have been married ten years as of this month! I think one of the most important things if not the most important thing in addition to everything you listed is that you share the same views on the nature of marriage… neither of us believes in divorce, and this is a strong belief, so we just won’t get one. It’s an important discussion to have before you get married.
Also it’s worth noting that if you come from divorced parents and your spouse does as well your chances of divorce increase something like 300%.
This operator's manual checks out. I'll admit that I gritted my teeth a little bit at the topic, but when you started with raw attraction and sex, I knew that you knew what you were talking about.
A good spouse should make you constantly inspired and want to always have her by your side to just cram in as many experiences that you can have together before the lights go out. I just have this constant need to impress mine, and it spurs me do things that I otherwise wouldn't. It also adds a tenacity to everything that I do. I give up on things much less easily, because they matter more when you have somebody that you are fighting for, and with. You will become more emphatic in saying "no" to things that you don't want in your life. This is the "grouchy old man" matrix. Embrace it for what it is.
I would lean more into having things in common as being important. You don't have to start with things in common, but you must find some. This is also known as "being interesting", which is a critical. If a woman picks up on zero well intentioned suggestions, and always does her own thing, that's a red flag. Women are far more social, so getting to appreciate at least a few of her better TV shows or whatever, for the purely whimsical social interractions is important. There are some good "shitty TV shows" in the "White Lotus" or "Below Deck" tiers that I actually enjoy. Women basically require this sort of thing to live, so don't fight it too hard.
You should at least try hard to have shared musical interests. Singing songs together with your loved one is one of the absolute greatest joys in life. Its simple, timeless and unabashed.
I might also say, that you will have to basically nuke your old friends when you have a true spouse. There just isn't really room for a big social group and the old social life, its just too many obligations. I've seldom seen it go any other way, especially with children. This isn't a bad thing, a man shoud be able to walk life alone, at times. Most likely your old childhood friends are holding you back a little by mid-life, anyways.
Thanks again for a great article (I have a few of yours I still need to catch up with)
I've long wondered what your views might be on the manosphere and the associated incel and "red pill"/"black pill" culture, which seems to have caused something of a moral panic in recent years, and has led to the creation of shows like Adolescence and concerns over "radicalisation" (which is effectively a synonym for "wrongthink": ideas that fall outside a state-approved paradigm)
Obviously there are aspects of the manosphere that are completely awful, and Andrew Tate is a ridiculously exaggerated caricature of masculinity that no-one should aspire to emulate
At the same time, not everything that is being said in the manosphere is factually incorrect either, and there are well-understood biological and evolutionary foundations for various aspects of human sexual behaviour which should not be dismissed in favour of a kind of egalitarian "sexual Marxism" in which hierarchies are denied altogether, and phrases like "high value male" are openly sneered at
I would also suggest that even though the Left are very keen to point the finger at the manosphere, "toxic masculinity" and suchlike, these are symptoms rather than the root cause of the problem: I'd suggest that dating apps, social media and porn are the true terrible trio, coupled with the malign influence of fourth-wave feminism
You are absolutely correct to point out that young men especially should seek to maximise everything that they can be, and this is where I feel that you are tapping into some manosphere ideas: I wish I had understood this principle better when I was younger, but the information simply wasn't available to the same extent back in the 2000s
I'm almost 40 years old, both single and childless, and I've only had two serious relationships in my life that lasted more than just a few months: everything else was short-term and very fleeting
The two women who I did date for a significant amount of time actually did share common interests with me, and the others didn't particularly have as much
Overall though, with a handful of exceptions, women in general have been a massive disappointment to me, and I think it is a truism that as you age, you simply become more jaded, cynical and disillusioned about these things
Who wants to be burnt-out on Bumble pushing 40 and having inane conversations with a small handful of matches that go absolutely nowhere? Unfortunately, that's the reality of the dating world today, and I can assure you that I have absolutely no plans to visit Thailand anytime in the near future
I nailed a French psychiatrist on my first trip to Thailand, and conceived my first son on the second. I highly recommend going there, its loaded with hot travelling White women.
I was pursuing a very proper English girl, followed her to Koh Tau, and learned how dive for weeks there, something I'd never have done if I wasn't chasing this woman. The pusrsuit itself forced me to live, and I really enjoyed it. She was a dive instructor. You need to have the mindset that the right girl for you is out there, and then just...get out there! It WILL happen!
I'd consider looking into getting a Ukrainian right now, personally. Surely there are millions that are looking for a spouse to get away from the war... a veritable bonanza of Poon!
Married 24 years, one grown child. I would just add that you should have one thing in common and it’s very important and that is shared values, especially if you have plan to have any children.
In reading about the Victorian period, I've been impressed by how there were so many structured, "supervised" events where young men and women could meet each other. For example, picnics, work parties in which people gathered to do a job, and dances, dances, dances. Lots of people met their mates this way, and one thing that helped was that there were friends and family involved who could steer someone away from the wrong person, or towards the right person. It's a completely different world now. We're so atomized that there aren't as many opportunities for this kind of thing. But maybe still, if someone gets involved in some kind of structured activity, like a charity, they can get to know someone that way, over some time.
I grew up in the late-70's and 80's, and by then many of us already were on our own, hoping to meet someone by chance. I lurched from one disastrous encounter and "relationship" to another, before finally finding the right woman after many years and one divorce. At least the disasters helped inform me on who to avoid. And, as one thing that was important for me, I learned that it was much better to be alone and lonely than to be with the wrong person.
My parents had a different experience. There were still institutions which helped people in meeting each other. Dad met Mom through church and a mutual friend. They didn't go through a long, extended agonizing period of a "relationship" to ensure it was right, but they spent enough time together--a few months--to find out if they each had the right character for the other person. And they listened to the opinions of family members who they respected. They had their ups and downs together, but it worked very well overall, and one thing that helped them succeed was that they shared the same basic moral framework.
As someone else here suggested, marriage is a humbling experience. It's a cliche, but success requires continual work on the part of both people. You have to be willing to admit your own flaws, as well as accept those of the other person, as long as they're ones you can live with.
I’d add that trying to find a spouse centered on the idea of what is good for “you” or “them” is a bit flawed. After marriage, the type that isn’t transactional - especially after kids enter the equation - it’s about “us”. The equation changes on the back end. You must be willing to put something greater than you before yourself and he/she must do the same. The strongest marriages are when both spouses put the other’s needs first. This builds a reinforcing bond. So - step number one is don’t date narcissists.
One flaw in all of this is that it says nothing about parenting. You should marry someone who would make a good parent and whose kids you would happily raise.
Ruddy good text I must say! Solid down-to-earth advise, no preaching, no "didactisms" (if that term works in English?), no finger of scorn or the scourge of nihilistic relativism. Jolly encouraging I say!
And I say that as a man married to the same woman since 1994.
"I want to clarify that you are not “entitled” to have high expectations of women if you are a mess of a man."
Absolutely true - the attitude that one is somehow owed love, relationship, or sex is corrosive to the spirit and the worst kind of self-replicating negative cope-spiral. I'd drop the scare-quotes around entitled, but that's me being nitpicky (and I'm not me if I can't let my inner nitpicker out once in a while).
If I was to ride the coat-tails of your text, it'd be by adding this:
"Expect conflicts. View these not as flaws in the relationship, but as something that you work to solve mutually. Be on the lookout for the difference between conflict over practical matters, and conflict stemming from unhealth, unhappiness and other emotional sources. Being angry at each other and having a row over who displaced the tiger-saw or who forgot to lock up the chickens for the night is normal and natural, as long as you both see the conflict as a mutual thing to solve amicably."
Grand-Dad and Grand-Ma were married for over sixty years. I well remember then arguing or fighting (verbally) over trifling matters. Eventually, Grand-Dad would go out in the garage or woodshed and work it off, and Grand-Ma would do the same in the kitchen, and then they'd solve the problem once emotions had quieted a bit.
I think perhaps the generations born from ca 1970-1975ish and onwards have been indictrinated into thinking conflict means the relationship is bad or flawed or wrong, and instead of thinking in a manner constructive to the source of the conflict, they react in a manner emotional instead, which solves nothing.
Oh, and the bit about hobbies and job/career-stuff: absolutely-tootely true. I used to paint WH40k minis - you can imagine the total lack of interest from the wife in the difference between a Rainbow Warrior-Space Marine and a Blood Drinker-Space Marine. She sews, knits, makes clothing and costumes and whatnot for fun - my eyes glaze over when she starts describing the umpty-zillion ways to make a skirt.
Again, really good writing!
The older I get, the more I value peace. A peaceful home. Keeping drama and conflict to a minimum.
Red flags
1) If she has some form of depression, be careful. It will bring you down too, even if you think you're immune to it.
2) Complaining about trivial things. It's annoying, and shows a lack of perspective for the larger problems in the world.
Good Article Woes! I will fill you on about my personal experience with relationships as a troubled 29 year old who is currently between a boulder and a hard place right now sadly. Will explain further along.
When I was in my teens and at secondary school I was always - due to my infantile/autistic nature - to be ignored by girls of my own age for obvious social reasons. I was never the popular or impressionable teen in my school, I was very much an unpopular loner that never really fitted into any type of social crowd (not even the geeks/boffins would tolerate me) which gave me a huge social development delay unlike other people my age. I only managed to develop my charisma and character by my early to mid 20s. Which was the same time I started dating. Thanks to the invention of online dating apps I had various many dates that I simply cannot remember all of them in exact order. But I do remember the three girls of my life that I did form serious relationships with but due my own flaws and selfishness never actually flourished. My ex girlfriend, aka the last relationship I had , only lasted two months. But that was the most memorable and loving relationship I’d ever had. I met her on tinder around late November 2024. We both matched and desired the same thing. We both wanted marriage and to start a family as soon as possible. She was basically the perfect alt right girl that many guys here would fantasise and write off as mythical creature that would be too good to be true. I am not going to lie here, but she was exactly definition of marriage material. She was the perfect height, fitness, face and personal I could ever wish for in a loving woman. And most important thing was she was loyal from start and end. She was also a goth but not your typical goth with a shaky miserable mood, but actually completely high energy spirited and positive. She did have her flaws she was very needy but I mostly admired her fanatical energy for me. She shared same ideological viewpoint on life as I did. She would clean my house whilst I was away for work, she even cooked lovely meals that I never took the granted. She even walked 3 miles from nearest Sainsbury’s for a food shop. I was 28 and was 25 at the time. She did have a dark past. Her father died when she was infant and had a fracturing relationship with her mother. She incorporated the Rapunzel Mother/ daughter relationship archetype. She desired a desperate escape from the shithole area that her and her mother were stuck in (a highly south Asian invaded area of Handsworth, Birmingham). On the first night we met the pheromones we possed were two strong and we both conceived on the very night. Weeks later a panicle sense came over me where I realised I had been too fast with her. And even though she was heartbroken over this, I managed to convince her to take a contraception pill two weeks after impregnation. She was very mature in agreement with me on this despite our desperate desire for lust on the first night we met. Christmas came and went as well as the new year. But everything changed on the 4th January which would change everything in my life forever till this day and our relationship for the worse.
To give context on what I mean by this, I need to inform you Woes that on the last 2025 Millenyule, I sent you a Christmas card informing you that since the 16th of September 2025. I was arrested and then placed on a Pre-charge bail for investigation of inciting the Racial Hatred Act over bloody X posts. I am that Mr Anglo guy that wrote you that card that I could be likely charged and sentenced to 2-3 years in Prison by end of this year in 2026.
Going back now on 4th January 2025. My life would turn for worse on a Saturday Morning. On the Friday night prior as I was driving my car to my dad’s place for Fish and chips. I got into a Mad Max style car rampage with two balaclava thugs who driving dirt bikes illegally on the pathway and causing wreck less mayhem in my local road where I grew up in. What I should have done in that time was ignore them and not got myself involved and continued to my dad’s place. But I wanted to be a heroe and confront them which ended up them battering and disabling my car to complete vandalism. I was looking to not be killed by them (as one them threw half a brick at me that I narrowly dodged). Witnesses of the street all sided with me, but when the plod arrived they were of course useless and actually made the situation worse. I then had to drive a battered broken car back home where I shocked my girlfriend. In the end because I drove an old Peugeot P107 hatchback made in 2006, the insurance money I received was not enough to repair and recover my smashed in car which I had to later scrap it. I have been without a car ever since. But this was only beginning of my problems. On the following Saturday morning. I was awoken with a phone call that would change my life for the worse. It was my younger sister on the line who was in tears and in utter rage when she informed me that she and my father had received a letter from the BBC Welsh Branch that I was going appear in a Undercover Far Right expose documentary titled ‘Inside the Ultra Far right’ that would be released only on BBC One Wales. This documentary would feature a spy who had infiltrated his way in the Welsh branch of Patriotic Alternative, to which I was a member of who attended two PA events. This spy had a secret camera who was deliberately goading certain members who he knew were vulnerable in saying things they would later regret which included myself in saying very fed posty statements despite the fact that I should have abided PA Code of Conduct rules that could prevented the trap I had unknowingly walked into. The moment after that phone call ruined me beyond believe which would drive my loving relationship with my girlfriend onto the scrap heap. Fear and paranoia had took over me. Everything including my love for her became the last priority. I was having sleepless nights as believed in that time in the start of 2025 that I was going have door kicked in by the police or be media ambushed. My relationship with my family had been ruined and destroyed by my betrayal to them having No idea of my ideology and political activism. Everything was go to shit for me week by week. Two weeks later I had lost my Civil service job, which was the best paid job I had. They were eventually informed by the BBC and their government connections of myself being featured in the documentary. I was fired under ‘bullying grounds’ despite that being used as legal excuse ploy to get rid of me. Months later I would try hiring union rep in trying to reclaim my job back which ended up as expected getting rejected. My girlfriend in January was the only person in my live who defended me over everyone in my life. Then when February came, I made the biggest regret of my life. I would then betray her over everything she had sacrificed to be with me. My reason? I hear you so me. It was simply because I did not want her involved with me in the firing line, especially where I knew this was all heading. Despite her fanatical devotion to me, I finally came to confront her on the breaking up with her over this. She was younger me and had much legally cleaner prospects of life than me, and I simply did want her getting legally in trouble for sake of me. I did this out love and respect for her. The break up was dramatic, hurtful and very bitter. Her last words to me as I forced her to take an Uber back to her Mums place. Was ‘I fucking hate you’. Later she blocked all forms of contact imaginable and I never saw her since. Just a week ago now I have checked her instagram and she has found another man in her life to give her meaning. I am happy for her despite missing her and wondering what would happened if I hadn’t had broken up with her and would have the relationship that started out super fast and rushed, would lasted or not.
Overall 8 months after I had broken up with her the very fear I had which I knew would have happened despite everyone assuring me that it would never happen, finally did happen. Which now leads me to conclude writing this very long comment for all of you to read. Woes, if you have somehow managed to read this entire comment all the way through? I am more than happy to respond to any concerns or questions if you feel compelled to ask how I am. But anyways that is my personal reflection on the relationships I have and what lessons I need to draw towards the future. No matter how dark it gets. I am matured and experienced now on what I need to achieve and fix in my 30s from the mistakes of my 20s.
I am sympathetic so please don't take this as glib. You're still only 29. You have time to put everything right. Keep that in mind.
Thank you! Hopefully (but I am being pessimistic here) that it may result in a suspended sentence. I’ll have to endure prison time if that is the case and write a book about it.
LOL, Woes – it will be a laugh to keep this and look back on it after you have been married for 25 years – see how well it stood the test of time. Especially the part about lust. How long do you think that lasts? What about when her tits are sagging to the knees, and probably the belly too? Not to mention YOUR tits and belly?
That was an interesting part of the essay. I doubt that phase lasts very long for most couples, and I don't think it's quite as important as all that. Good luck to those who are luckier in that department. But once children come along and the privacy goes, things certainly change. Most of us, when children ourselves, upon discovering the origin of new life, will have had that conversation where you calculate the number of times the parents copulated by how many children they have! Perhaps the general absence of sex in most family homes plays in to this seemingly naive view?!
Yeah, I was thinking this. Raw sexual attraction beyond your 30's?
Good article and sound advice overall. Something which I think has been lost in our modern age is that marriage is not just a union of two people, but a blending of two families. Before the current atomisation, people didn't disappear to the four corners of the nation for the sake of work or whatever, so in addition to spending a lot of time around each other, spouses spent a lot of time around each other's families. I think this will become more and more relevant as material circumstances worsen across the West, and we are forced to rely on our families more.
This can cause friction, as with the stereotypical nagging in-laws, but it can also help or even overcome some of the red flags you highlighted. For example, my wife and I are both introverted homebodies, and we reinforce each other's antisocial tendencies. Her extended family are very closely knit and live nearby, however, and they have frequent social gatherings which they do not let us wriggle out of.
Is it annoying? Sometimes. But it's also what's best for both of us, and it's not something we would get solely from each other.
Not your typical Millennial Woes article, but a good one. There’s nothing I can really disagree with and I feel the sting from having not known these when I was younger and having to learn them the hard way.
Very good article, thanks.
What are people's thoughts on tattoos? I'm old-fashioned enough to consider them a red flag, but it seems they're so common nowadays, you have to either accept them or drastically reduce your pool of potential partners.
Depends.
(Take this with salt though, I was out of the dating-pool in '93.)
If you can read the code, so to speak, it's not a problem. If you can't you're SOL I'm afraid.
Sadly, learning the code means living the life in the repsective sub-cultures and learning by doing - there's no longer any quick-and-easy "If she's got a cobweb tatted on her elbow she's such-and-such" kind of rules.
The quality of the tat is usually a very general indicator: expensive high-quality and tasteful in pacing and make-up means the lady sporting it likely is of a more stable nature.
Home-made needle from an old electric razor, smudged and poorly placed with no artistic/aesthetic merit means that it's likely the wearer matches the tat.
Heck, people now will tat their faces and necks and hands, and will use prison-tats as if those are some chique decoration. Talk about buying trouble!
I don’t like it but I think maybe it’s a modern / online obsession that may not really matter that much. I’d view it on a case by case basis.
Tribal tattoos that signafie your ethnic tribe, should be the only types of tattoos that should ever be tolerated. I have a Celtic Triskeli tattoo on my left pec to represent my Celtic Ancestry. Which is the only tattoo I intend to have in my entire lifetime.
Not a fan either, but I’m >50!
I would say, if it’s really a dealbreaker for you, then don’t compromise and regret it later.
There are about 4bn women out there - there must be (more than) one that’s right for you among them.
'At the practical level, a relationship is the story of two people confronting together a thousand little problems (and maybe ten big problems). ' - such a great way to put it!
Will have been married ten years as of this month! I think one of the most important things if not the most important thing in addition to everything you listed is that you share the same views on the nature of marriage… neither of us believes in divorce, and this is a strong belief, so we just won’t get one. It’s an important discussion to have before you get married.
Also it’s worth noting that if you come from divorced parents and your spouse does as well your chances of divorce increase something like 300%.
This operator's manual checks out. I'll admit that I gritted my teeth a little bit at the topic, but when you started with raw attraction and sex, I knew that you knew what you were talking about.
A good spouse should make you constantly inspired and want to always have her by your side to just cram in as many experiences that you can have together before the lights go out. I just have this constant need to impress mine, and it spurs me do things that I otherwise wouldn't. It also adds a tenacity to everything that I do. I give up on things much less easily, because they matter more when you have somebody that you are fighting for, and with. You will become more emphatic in saying "no" to things that you don't want in your life. This is the "grouchy old man" matrix. Embrace it for what it is.
I would lean more into having things in common as being important. You don't have to start with things in common, but you must find some. This is also known as "being interesting", which is a critical. If a woman picks up on zero well intentioned suggestions, and always does her own thing, that's a red flag. Women are far more social, so getting to appreciate at least a few of her better TV shows or whatever, for the purely whimsical social interractions is important. There are some good "shitty TV shows" in the "White Lotus" or "Below Deck" tiers that I actually enjoy. Women basically require this sort of thing to live, so don't fight it too hard.
You should at least try hard to have shared musical interests. Singing songs together with your loved one is one of the absolute greatest joys in life. Its simple, timeless and unabashed.
I might also say, that you will have to basically nuke your old friends when you have a true spouse. There just isn't really room for a big social group and the old social life, its just too many obligations. I've seldom seen it go any other way, especially with children. This isn't a bad thing, a man shoud be able to walk life alone, at times. Most likely your old childhood friends are holding you back a little by mid-life, anyways.
Thanks again for a great article (I have a few of yours I still need to catch up with)
I've long wondered what your views might be on the manosphere and the associated incel and "red pill"/"black pill" culture, which seems to have caused something of a moral panic in recent years, and has led to the creation of shows like Adolescence and concerns over "radicalisation" (which is effectively a synonym for "wrongthink": ideas that fall outside a state-approved paradigm)
Obviously there are aspects of the manosphere that are completely awful, and Andrew Tate is a ridiculously exaggerated caricature of masculinity that no-one should aspire to emulate
At the same time, not everything that is being said in the manosphere is factually incorrect either, and there are well-understood biological and evolutionary foundations for various aspects of human sexual behaviour which should not be dismissed in favour of a kind of egalitarian "sexual Marxism" in which hierarchies are denied altogether, and phrases like "high value male" are openly sneered at
I would also suggest that even though the Left are very keen to point the finger at the manosphere, "toxic masculinity" and suchlike, these are symptoms rather than the root cause of the problem: I'd suggest that dating apps, social media and porn are the true terrible trio, coupled with the malign influence of fourth-wave feminism
You are absolutely correct to point out that young men especially should seek to maximise everything that they can be, and this is where I feel that you are tapping into some manosphere ideas: I wish I had understood this principle better when I was younger, but the information simply wasn't available to the same extent back in the 2000s
I'm almost 40 years old, both single and childless, and I've only had two serious relationships in my life that lasted more than just a few months: everything else was short-term and very fleeting
The two women who I did date for a significant amount of time actually did share common interests with me, and the others didn't particularly have as much
Overall though, with a handful of exceptions, women in general have been a massive disappointment to me, and I think it is a truism that as you age, you simply become more jaded, cynical and disillusioned about these things
Who wants to be burnt-out on Bumble pushing 40 and having inane conversations with a small handful of matches that go absolutely nowhere? Unfortunately, that's the reality of the dating world today, and I can assure you that I have absolutely no plans to visit Thailand anytime in the near future
I nailed a French psychiatrist on my first trip to Thailand, and conceived my first son on the second. I highly recommend going there, its loaded with hot travelling White women.
I was pursuing a very proper English girl, followed her to Koh Tau, and learned how dive for weeks there, something I'd never have done if I wasn't chasing this woman. The pusrsuit itself forced me to live, and I really enjoyed it. She was a dive instructor. You need to have the mindset that the right girl for you is out there, and then just...get out there! It WILL happen!
I'd consider looking into getting a Ukrainian right now, personally. Surely there are millions that are looking for a spouse to get away from the war... a veritable bonanza of Poon!
Married 24 years, one grown child. I would just add that you should have one thing in common and it’s very important and that is shared values, especially if you have plan to have any children.
Our shared value is acute racism...
In reading about the Victorian period, I've been impressed by how there were so many structured, "supervised" events where young men and women could meet each other. For example, picnics, work parties in which people gathered to do a job, and dances, dances, dances. Lots of people met their mates this way, and one thing that helped was that there were friends and family involved who could steer someone away from the wrong person, or towards the right person. It's a completely different world now. We're so atomized that there aren't as many opportunities for this kind of thing. But maybe still, if someone gets involved in some kind of structured activity, like a charity, they can get to know someone that way, over some time.
I grew up in the late-70's and 80's, and by then many of us already were on our own, hoping to meet someone by chance. I lurched from one disastrous encounter and "relationship" to another, before finally finding the right woman after many years and one divorce. At least the disasters helped inform me on who to avoid. And, as one thing that was important for me, I learned that it was much better to be alone and lonely than to be with the wrong person.
My parents had a different experience. There were still institutions which helped people in meeting each other. Dad met Mom through church and a mutual friend. They didn't go through a long, extended agonizing period of a "relationship" to ensure it was right, but they spent enough time together--a few months--to find out if they each had the right character for the other person. And they listened to the opinions of family members who they respected. They had their ups and downs together, but it worked very well overall, and one thing that helped them succeed was that they shared the same basic moral framework.
As someone else here suggested, marriage is a humbling experience. It's a cliche, but success requires continual work on the part of both people. You have to be willing to admit your own flaws, as well as accept those of the other person, as long as they're ones you can live with.
You’re not even close.
Feel free to enlighten me.
Click on Tom's Newsletter next to his name. He's either a Ghost in the System or a complete retard.
I’d add that trying to find a spouse centered on the idea of what is good for “you” or “them” is a bit flawed. After marriage, the type that isn’t transactional - especially after kids enter the equation - it’s about “us”. The equation changes on the back end. You must be willing to put something greater than you before yourself and he/she must do the same. The strongest marriages are when both spouses put the other’s needs first. This builds a reinforcing bond. So - step number one is don’t date narcissists.
One flaw in all of this is that it says nothing about parenting. You should marry someone who would make a good parent and whose kids you would happily raise.
Of course, but I think that's included in "wants the same lifestyle as you".