What to Look for in a Spouse

This is one of those topics where I think someone can give good advice even if they aren’t basking in a joyful multi-decade marriage. For those of us not so successful, it is easy to retrospectively identify the mistakes we have made. Moreover, the chances we had for contentment are more obvious in retrospect than at the time, when we stupidly turned them down because of youthful passion or idealism. With all of that in mind I am confident that the advice I am about to give is very sound, and I would implore young men - and women - to take it to heart. (It is written from the male perspective but a lot of it is relevant to women as well.)

I will not write here about what you should do to make yourself attractive. But I think it goes without saying that you should, especially as a young man, be trying to make yourself the best you can become. Competence, resilience and social status are the things to cultivate. No woman wants to be with a loser and you shouldn’t settle for being one. Don’t expect women to be impressed if you don’t have wherewithal, “get up and go”, and at least some money. I mention this because the rest of this text could seem quite demanding, so I want to clarify that you are not “entitled” to have high expectations of women if you are a mess of a man.

Now the things you should look for. They are not listed in any order of importance. I consider them all equally vital.

There is raw sexual attraction

This might seem so obvious it shouldn’t need saying, but it is actually very possible to be with someone who ticks all the other boxes but just doesn’t turn you on, and you might well think you should overlook this problem because everything else is good. Unfortunately, it is a problem that never goes away. It will bother you and eat into you, and she will sense this and feel deeply hurt, which in turn will make you feel guilty… and these feelings on either side will spiral into heartache, disappointment, regret, a sense of deep betrayal. Even if everything else is great, this one problem will destroy the relationship. In short: if she doesn’t turn you on, be strong, do yourself and her a favour, and end it.

Note that this is not just a visual thing. A woman can turn you on visually - say, in photos online - but then when you’re physically with her, something just isn’t right. I think there is such a thing as pheromonal incompatibility. If you find yourself struggling to be aroused by her, in the flesh with pheromones flying, that is a sign of a fundamental problem that, I’m sorry to tell you, cannot be solved.

I should clarify for men: you will always be attracted to other women - it is our nature to enjoy novelty - so “noticing” other women does not mean that you are unattracted to your spouse. Indeed, it doesn’t mean anything at all. So don’t be discomfited by those feelings. However, if you find yourself wishing dearly that your spouse were different, that is a very bad sign.

On the other hand, if you honestly enjoy making love to her and such thoughts do not come up, then it’s fine.

I belabour this point because, yes you guessed it, this happened to me once. She was a wonderful woman, and perfectly pretty, but something just wasn’t right at the pheromone level.

You enjoy each other’s company

This is self-explanatory but, again, something whose importance people can under-estimate.

Any relationship means that you will spend a great deal of time together, in the domestic setting and elsewhere. It is essential that the two of you are able to be alone together, a lot, without becoming irritated by each other. This doesn’t mean that you need to have shared interests or hobbies (you don’t). It just means that you should simply enjoy being together. You should miss her when she is away, and look forward to her being there again.

She is sane and loyal

Again, obvious, but we are tempted to overlook it if passions are high and sexual allure powerful. Choose a partner who is stable, sane and sensible, and will be loyal to you, insofar as you can ascertain these things. If you detect a capacity for treachery or instability, maybe let her be someone else’s problem.

Being stable and sensible doesn’t mean that she needs to get everything right all the time or that she should never be upset. It just means that she shouldn’t seek to cause problems, and that she should listen to sense when it is told to her. If instead she reacts with outrage, leave her, because this portends a lifetime of pain for you.

This also goes for women choosing men.

I have known people who suffered a lot because they chose an unstable or unreliable partner. Usually there are signs (“red flags”) early on, and usually you see them but overlook them, for some silly reason you later regret. If you are susceptible to this, ask your male friends what they think of the person. Trust your macho friends over your sensitive ones; macho guys have a very good sense for crazy women and for skeevy men, while sensitive guys tend to be naive or too forgiving.

At the same time, you have a responsibility to be the same way for her: stable, sensible and loyal. Don’t embark on serious relationships unless you are confident about these things, because you will only be setting women up for pain, and yourself for guilt.

You work well together and counter each other’s flaws

It’s a cliché but true that a relationship is a partnership. At the practical level, a relationship is the story of two people confronting together a thousand little problems (and maybe ten big problems). As in any partnership, you have to function as a “team”. This means that each of you does the things the other isn’t good at, and that you accept these shortcomings in each other without futile recrimination.

If you are socially reserved, she should be outgoing. If she isn’t good with deadlines, you need to be able and willing to prompt her, and she mustn’t resent you doing that. If you are dream-headed, she should be realistic. If she gets carried away, you need to be calm. Etc. This will differ from one couple to another so don’t be too hung up about “gender roles” - as long as the flaws are countered, that is what matters.

Try not to end up with someone who has the same flaws as you, because it means they will be compounded and hamper the partnership. It would help if you identify your most serious flaws so that you can look out for them in potential spouses. Ask your parents what your flaws are; friends probably won’t be honest about it, especially if they are female.

You respect and admire each other

This means appreciating each other as people, enjoying the thought of each other, and being grateful that you are together.

Unfortunately feminism encourages modern women to be bitchy, entitled, and to think men stupid and inferior, etc., so it is harder than before to find a woman with the right attitude - but far from impossible.

Every man has his own tolerance level for being taken for granted, hen-pecked, criticised, mocked, etc. Some men accept it, a few even seem to enjoy it in some bizarre way. Personally I can’t abide it. I would leave a woman instantly if she didn’t respect and admire me. This doesn’t mean I expect her to be blind to my flaws (indeed, she’d be little use to me if she were) but that I expect her to recognise my work, my talent, etc. This might sound vain but I think it is the healthy way for most relationships throughout history. In some sense the woman has to look up to the man, otherwise she will default to treating him as an errant son, or a factotum. I have seen quite a few relationships like this and they are never happy. Eventually her growing contempt leads her to divorce him, or else he is drained by it and starts looking to other women for positive feelings, or else they stay together forever with him withered and her contemptuous. This is the fruit of a woman not taking her man seriously. You should expect, at a bare minimum, that she respect and admire you. It is that important.

On the other side, you should respect and admire her. “Treat ‘em mean, keep ‘em keen” is a strategy that does work during the flirting stage, but to conduct a relationship in that manner is an exercise in cruelty and egotism. She is a human being, not your plaything. Give her compliments, thank her for things she does, and be sincerely grateful for her. Enjoy her little ways, and the attitudes she brings to everyday life. Celebrate her in your mind. Be grateful that life brought you together.

This rule, to respect and admire, is essential for maintaining a relationship. As such, when seeking a spouse you need to look out for it. If she begins by showing a lack of these qualities, do not pursue. If she does not seem interested in learning about your particular strengths then she will never come to respect and admire you for them, so do not pursue. At the same time, if you don’t see qualities in her that you can respect and admire, do not pursue.

She helps to bring out your potential

Some people might voice this as “does she share your values?” but I think it is more practical than that.

If you are a man, you should ponder:

• Will she be good for me?

• Will she help me to be successful?

• Will she help to build the life that I want?

If you are a woman, you should ponder:

• Will he be good for me?

• Can I help him to be successful? And do I want to? (Do I respect and admire him?)

• Do I want the same kind of life that he wants?

This is the most practical level of judging whether a relationship is viable. Though practical, it is essential. Do not let feelings cloud your judgement here. Consult your parents - especially if you are young.

It is also worth listing some things that don’t matter. Modern culture gives us such terrible guidance about relationships that we end up sabotaging our opportunities for success and happiness because we have unnecessary provisos and unrealistic goals. So here are some things that I think you shouldn’t worry about.

Having much in common

People always say this is important but I think it really needs to be qualified.

I don’t think it is necessary to have common interests and hobbies. You should approve of hers and enjoy hearing her talk about them, but you don’t need to share them and she doesn’t need to share yours. Odds are she won’t, since she is female and you are male.

The things you should have in common are the life and the lifestyle that you want, and your broad attitude to dealing with problems so that you are not clashing in that regard. Anything in common beyond that is a bonus but not necessary. Remember this is not a friendship but a partnership for getting through life successfully and happily. It’s really nice when the partnership veers into friendship and the two of you can enjoy something together, but it’s not essential.

If you enjoy each other’s company, you don’t need common hobbies and interests as well. (Just imagine - you could have a lot in common but hate each other’s company! Which is preferable?)

She being interested in your work

This is very relevant for me because my work is so central to my life, but I think it applies to most men to some extent.

For discussing your work, you have friends, colleagues, business partners, and forum guys online. You don’t need her for this. Trying to interest the average woman in the average male obsessions is an exercise in pure futility. She just needs to get the rough idea that you are capable, talented, clever, resourceful, inventive, or whatever, and she should enjoy these qualities in you, but she doesn’t need to know the details of your work.

(For God’s sake, don’t bore her with the details! I have seen guys doing this with their wives and I always feel sorry for the wives, but the guys themselves end up dispirited, because they have expectations their wives can’t possibly meet.)

She being the prettiest girl you could get

You could always have got a prettier girl, if you were in the right place at the right time, or a bit luckier, or a bit more cocky, or tried a bit harder, or started that job a year earlier, or knew the right mutual friend, etc. But prettiness comes with a whole slew of costs. The prom queen is often a “ball-ache” - self-absorbed, shallow and neurotic. If you have a girl you find attractive and all the boxes above are ticked, believe me, you don’t need a prettier girl.

It being perfect

Of course it isn’t. She’s human. She probably has the same reservations since you, too, are human. What matters is that it can be a successful life partnership. That means about 80% ideal and no big glaring dangers such as the ones I have mentioned.

It being exactly what you envisaged

This is one you have to weigh up. It might not be what you envisaged at 15. But remember, you won’t have the same goals when you are 50 as when you are 25. What matters is whether it will broadly get you to where you want to go, and what your chances are of finding a more “suitable” spouse. Accept that life really does mean “settling”, cashing in your chips, not waiting for perfection and not being hung up on some ideal you once dreamt of when you weren’t even the person you are today. You have to think about the future you want, and whether she will help you to get there. But also, don’t compromise too much. You might regret settling for 70% when 80% was possible. Be realistic, but also be positive. Again, this is something you have to weigh up; I can’t give any “hard and fast” rules for it.

In this text, you might have noticed an absence of the word “love”. Instead I have spoken about practicalities and dangers. I haven’t spoken about passion or excitement, romance or lust. This is because, at 43, I have done all of that, and it doesn’t impress or mesmerise me as it does a young man. Love, of the justified sort that persists and prevails, emerges when certain dangers are avoided and certain necessities met. My intention here has not been to ward you against love, nor to advise scepticism towards it, but to help you find it by navigating things correctly.

Good luck, everyone!